Happy Canada Day, everyone! Please enjoy this video on the history of Canada by the Editor-in-Chief of The Albatross, years before The Albatross actually existed. Most of it still makes as much sense as it ever did. »
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G20 Tourism Board Promotes “Toronto Without Torontonians” Campaign
As Torontonians prepare to abandon their homes in droves, hoping to avoid the inconvenience, disorder and unwashed anarchists of the upcoming G20 summit, the G20 Tourism Board has launched a massive advertising campaign aimed at encouraging tourists from elsewhere in Canada to visit the... »
Toronto Waterfront Revitalization Kicks Off With Hobo Magnet
Citing a need to distance the Toronto Waterfront from its dingy, aesthetically-displeasing past, Mayor David Miller today announced the opening of an advanced, coin-operated, self-cleaning washroom facility at Queens Quay and Rees streets to which the homeless will be given free use via a... »
Oil Finally Harms Environment
In the wake of a recent, massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, leaders and experts across the globe are concluding that the black, viscous substance may have... »
Harper to Reveal Afghan Detainee Secret: Nobody Cares
In a move prompted by House Speaker Peter Milliken’s decision that the Conservative government must release uncensored documents regarding the mistreatment of Afghan detainees, Canadians are collectively bracing themselves... »
If Only They Knew About My Micropenis
As an overnight pop music icon, I’ve had more than my fair share of awkward sexual propositions from teenage girls, their sisters, their middle-aged mothers, Tina Fey, ladies at... »
What We’ve Learned: Iceland
The eruption of the Eyjafjallajökull volcano in Iceland has produced many lessons for both Canadians and our friends around the world - in this article, The Albatross presents the... »
Caveman-Robot War Continues in Earnest
The Overlords of Betelgeuse, galactic warmongers from a small world orbiting the distant red supergiant, reported to their superiors today that continued monitoring of what they refer to as... »
Parliament Noir: Helena Guergis
Allegations of a secret third party complaining to the PMO about MP Helena Guergis' conduct surfaced today, with many speculating that the third party must be must be a... »
I Guess I’ll Just Have to Take All This Money for ‘Green Power’ to the Strip Club Myself
Just as I thought maybe I was on the verge of meeting some cool dudes to roll through some of my favourite poon-tang joints with, the media screws it... »
I Can’t Believe You Think That Just Because it Actually Happened
As someone who has been in a few moderately difficult situations, but was otherwise born with remarkably good looks, blessed with well-connected professional advancement opportunities and a big heap... »
Coulter Lecture Cancelled Due to Safety Concerns
A public speech to be delivered by Ann Coulter at the University of Ottawa this past week was cancelled due to concerns for public safety. Coulter, who is known... »
North Korea Declares Earth Hour Supremacy
Citing a “Full scale readiness in total supremacy for the preservation of the people,” the state-controlled Korean Central News Agency (KCNA) of North Korea is claiming their remote country... »
Guilty Party in Death of Corey Haim Arrested
With reports of an illegal prescription drug ring circling in connection with the death of former film star and Toronto native Corey Haim, authorities were pleased to announce today... »
A Guide to Canada Writes 2010
Excited about the upcoming broadcast phenomenon that is Canada Writes 2010, presented by the CBC? Not really? Well, The Albatross has seen fit to abusively profile the... »