Drug Fairness at the 2010 Winter Olympics: “All Athletes Must Be Equally High.”
Biathletes must avoid the temptations of giant hamburgers left on course by cunning rivals.
In an effort to curtail the well-known performance-enhancing power of the drug, olympic supporters in Whistler, B.C. are calling for a new approach in ensuring that no athletes in the 2010 Winter Games are unfairly advantaged by the use of marijuana via a new Olympic policy: The mandatory, non-stop use of marijuana by all athletes.
“Testing everyone negatively for marijuana is cumbersome, expensive and invasive,” said mandatory-weed policy advocate and seasonal ski shop employee Fred Taylor, citing the thorough examination necessary to prove use of the drug. “Testing everyone positively, on the other hand, is as simple as making a weird face at them and seeing if they either fall over laughing or run away from you, crying.”
So far, athletes have responded warmly but vaguely to the proposed policy, saying that they have no idea what is going on, and wanting to know what they were talking about again. Those veteran to the drug, however, were adamant about its value. “Marijuana is completely harmless and non-addictive,” said an anonymous cross-country skiier, coughing. “That’s why it is not a problem for me to smoke it several times per day for the rest of my life – why should the Olympics be any different?”
Added the skiier, “Please, please don’t make me stop smoking weed for two weeks.”
Projected final standings for the 2010 Winter Games.
Policy advocates also cite the expensive tissue-analysis equipment and scheduling logistics necessary to test all athletes negatively, comparing it to the ease of paging Tony and telling him you need more nugs. “Even if Tony is unavailable, or is bullshitting us about being dry because he is already dunzo and doesn’t feel like getting in his car for less than a QP, we probably have enough for a few hits for everyone still in the bowl or, worst come to worst, we can call Terry, even though his stuff is straight kyfe.”
Anticipating the charges of critics that Terry’s weed might be insufficient to get all athetles equally stoned, advocates assured reporters that ridiculous amounts would be ingested by all competitors regardless of apparent resistance, and pledged to dignitaries from the IOC, as well as several present heads of state, that everyone would be getting “Completely fucked up – no exceptions.”
Unfortunately, the introduction of mandatory pot smoking has detracted somewhat from the purely athletic spectacle normally associated with the games, with incidents at Olympic pre-qualifiers where the policy is being tested reportedly including:
- Figure skating pairs spontaneously ceasing their routines to begin making out.
- A bobsled team deciding to approach their course at a more mellow pace via a very slow push off, resulting in their sled stopping partway through a curve. The team then sat in the sled for half an hour discussing why they weren’t moving.
- Speed skaters continuing to skate in circles, despite event conclusion.
- Ski jumpers forgetting that they are airborne midway through jumps, whereupon they begin attempting to make cellphone calls, admire the distant landscape, and/or remove skis.
- Biathletes abandoning their set course to visit a visible pizza parlor, where they were mistaken by staff as armed bandits and arrested.
The rule has also produced the anxiety and paranoia common to the drug as yet another obstacle to overcome in the sports themselves, as in the case of Skeleton athlete Guy Valois, who is reportedly refusing to participate in the event further, citing it as “Pointlessly dangerous” and “Legal suicide” – Valois, who believes that pine trees are trying to kill him, was curled into the corner of his Vancouver hotel room eating nachos at press time.
