Regent Park Youth Found With 3 Handguns, Arrested For Self-Endangerment

"This young man wasn't nearly armed enough."

A local man is arrested for failing to produce his Dragunov Sniper Rifle, as well as an outstanding warrant for insufficient camouflage.

Private security forces have arrested a 16-year old Regent Park teenager today for depraved indifference to his own safety after learning that he possessed a mere three handguns, and had further access to nothing more than an outdated, jam-prone, semi-automatic rifle.

“When somebody shows this lack of respect for their own well-being, they need to be put into police custody,” says local crime activist Joe Moyes. “Given his relative youth and likely inability to defend himself in most forms of combat, this young man should have been equipped with at least five handguns, several shotguns, and a variety of hand-to-hand weapons and explosives in order to survive the dangers of his environment.”

Moyes, reacting in disbelief at the ability of law enforcement to enter the Sumach Street apartment without triggering a series of land mines set by the arrested, was dismayed at what should have been a certified gangster, armed to the teeth. “It’s a well-known fact that older criminals often hand off firearms to younger ones, as the penalty for having guns is much lighter on those who are under the age of majority,” said Moyes, expressing confusion and sadness. “So what went wrong here? Why didn’t he have way, way more guns?”

Police are presently looking into whether or not the youth had ties to local gangs. “I sure hope so,” said another local resident, shaking his head in disappointment. “Without them, he wouldn’t have stood a chance: Bullets can get to you a lot faster than the cops can. Look at the ammunition he had for those things – not even hollow-jacketed. And where’s the kevlar?!”

Locals are also reporting a considerable amount of crack cocaine found on the suspect, which community members believe he must have been smoking so as to have been so foolish as to not have been carrying a snub-nosed pistol in a holster sewn to his sock.

“It’s just a shame to see kids falling victim to their disadvantaged neighborhoods and ending up dead,” said Moyes. “It doesn’t have to be that way – we need to come together as a community and show our kids that people who want to harm you will think twice about it if you fire a rocket-propelled grenade at them.”