Brock Lesnar Does Not Have AIDS
Brock Lesnar, the fighting champion who has never contracted or even been exposed to the HIV virus
After being rushed to hospital following a collapse while on vacation in Canada, the mixed-martial arts community has quickly prioritized communications to the media about UFC superstar Brock Lesnar’s ongoing, potentially life-threatening condition. “Let’s be absolutely clear on this,” said MMA promoter Kurt Beagle. “Brock Lesnar does not have AIDS. He is not some gay guy.”
Beagle, who has been involved in the mixed-martial arts scene “Before ball-punching was outlawed,” and who also owns the MMA clothing line C.O.Y.D (Choke Out Your Dad), was also quick to point out that Lesnar was not afflicted with cancer, although it became unclear at that point if he was finished saying what Lesnar did not have or was indirectly engaging reporters in a challenge to work out what he did have via a process of elimination.
Speaking to the press from a cocktail-napkin prepared statement, Beagle continued, “To be honest, I don’t really know what’s wrong with him. He’s really mashed, though. What’s wrong with this guy? Shit. He’s all fucked-up and stuff.”
When asked if Lesnar was currently still in hospital, Beagle shrugged, saying that he thought so. Beagle also suggested that Lesnar might want to go to the Mayo Clinic, which Beagle said he was aware of because it is really famous for doing medicine and what-not, and they have a good website. “I also know a good guy for torn ACLs, but that’s probably not what is wrong with him – what is it with ACLs, anyways? It seems like we tear them all the time.”
With regards to media reports from official UFC spokespeople that Lesnar was not in good spirits and, in fact, is never in good spirits, Beagle was enthusiastic to comment. “You’re damn right he’s never in good spirits, and you know why? Because he has an undying, constant thirst for violence that can only be sated by kicking the shit out of people for money – that means he’s coming for you, Brazilian Hammer, and when he catches you at UFC 29574, you’re going to wish he had AIDS. But he doesn’t.”
Beagle, continuing to express concern for Lesnar, concluded the press conference with the hope that Lesnar gets better from his non-AIDS condition soon. “I’d also like to remind everyone that C.O.Y.D is the premium MMA clothing line, with more skulls, angelic wings, metallic colours and nonsensical latin script than any other of our so-called competition.”
Added Beagle, “Choke Out Your Dad: You think you’re so great just because you shot me out of your dick!”
Rumours on the internet continue to circulate that Lesnar’s condition may be a product of steroid abuse, fueled in part by the history of drug abuse in sports and sports entertainment, the fitness demands of martial arts fighting, and the fact that Lesnar seems to be some sort of giant rectangle.
