Backbench MPs Decry Prorogue, Cite Lowered Quality of Life
An anonymous MP hangs out in a hotel lobby, hoping to simulate the hospitality of backbench life.
A secretive, cross-party alliance of non-cabinet Members of Parliament released a statement today expressing solidarity with Canadians outraged at Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s prorogation of parliament until March 3rd. “Canadians are frustrated that we, as their representatives, are not in the House of Commons, and we share that frustration,” said an anonymous Conservative backbencher. “I had to make my own coffee this morning.”
Backbench MPs, contending that the prorogation of parliament is severely deleterious to their relatively blissful and responsibility-free existences, are also arguing that the lack of activity at the House of Commons is affecting their ability to do their relative non-jobs. “As a backbench MP, having the daily newspaper brought right to your seat in the House is more than just a courtesy: Reading that newspaper is what you spend most of the morning doing, and calling it work,” said the anonymous MP, adding that not being abreast of the issues of the day can prevent them from knowing what their preconceived party line is.
Added the MP, “I wear a suit!”
In addition to missing the vital work of backbenching, MPs are also complaining that said absence is spilling over into their domestic lives, as well. “I pointlessly heckled my wife last night while she was in the middle of telling me that I should at least do the dishes if all I’m going to be doing is hosting recycling picnics,” said another anonymous MP. “I’m so used to yelling all the way across the parliament floor, and in unison with the other backbenchers, that she nearly broke down in tears based on the volume of my booing alone, nevermind the fact that I called her ex-husband a ‘previous administration’ that was responsible for the shambles she is today.”
For some backbenchers, proroguing has given them no choice but to return to their actual ridings. “Having just visited my strip-mall nightmare of an office in the middle of this backwater hellhole, let me just say that I, like all Canadians, would like for me to get back to Ottawa,” said a parachuted-in MP from a remote part of the country, who asked to not be named. “Lately, I’ve been calling my car service and, when they ask why I’m calling when I don’t have anywhere to go, I just cry.”
Other members are anxious to get back to parliament simply so that they can share in a renewed hope for the future. “The parliamentary page service employs our best and brightest young minds,” said an urban-area MP. “They’re infinitely smarter and more capable than, say, my own kids, who I am now stuck at home with, and who I now believe smoke pot.”
“We are committed to get back on the job for Canadians,” added the MP. “It is far less pleasant than not working at all, honestly, and we are losing out on valuable experience with regards to apprenticing ourselves for future positions in the senate, or directorial positions at not-for-profits.”
Added the MP, “In a way, though, I guess all this outrage over the prorogue is a good thing – I guess this means people think we kill ourselves out here, or something? I mean, of course we do – this is a horrible thing. The nation shall soon plunge into flames. Did you see how we made it into The Economist? Neat-o!”
