Mentally Retarded Boy Receives Very Special iPod

Little Jimmy Jimson attempts to attack his new iPad with plastic nunchuks, while Steve Jobs attempts to explain the device before handing it over.

In an event that many media speculators are still attempting to trace back to Children’s Wish societies around the globe, Apple CEO Steve Jobs spent nearly his entire address at an event in San Francisco this morning unveiling a new, super-sized iPod clearly intended to bring the Apple experience to mentally handicapped children.

“No more should our developmentally-challenged youth suffer to use giant markers, erasers, and other consumer goods designed to be too large to either eat or leave on a small bus,” said Jobs. “The time has come for our least fortunate kids to be mocked by their peers in a 21st century spirit: The Apple iPad is going to make that possible.”

To emphasize this point, Jobs followed his presentation by gifting the very prototype he was using to Jimmy Jimson, 12, who has been diagnosed with numerous, rare mental limitations in addition to the considerable number that he actually has. “Grrnnnnngh!” said Jimmy, revelling in joy at finally having a version of the smaller, more fragile and less complicated device it was clearly, hastily based upon.

Encased in a massive, seemingly indestructable metal bezel that holds a combined width nearly equal to that of the screen itself, the device quickly proved itself safe against Jimmy’s wild, physically unrestrained attempts to destroy it. “I wanna take a picture!” said Jimmy, repeatedly launching web browser Safari by smashing the screen into his face, as well as seemingly aware of the bizarre omission of a camera from the device, despite his measured IQ of only 67.

Thanks to his new iPod, Little Jimmy will no longer need the conventional tools he once took to school.

“I guess a camera is what they’re already planning to put in the next edition of the thing,” said Anthony Mills, Jimmy’s full-time caregiver and caseworker. “We actually told Jimmy to wait until that one came out before accepting it from Apple, but he just screamed at us and threw french fries at my car.”

Added Mills, “You just can’t say anything to these early-adopter types.”

Jobs also told of other specialized features featured in the new product that specifically geared it towards their new audience. “We don’t want these kids getting overwhelmed by the mental demands of multitasking in multiple applications at once – that’s why we’ve set it up so that it can’t run more than one program at a time. We’ve also created a gigantic, on-screen keyboard that will make it completely impossible to even attempt to type in a complex, multi-finger process: These kids can only type by hen-pecking at the letters in a slow, deliberate process with two fingers, and we’ve optimized the experience just for that.”

Jobs then continued to list the mental-handicap focused features, including a lack of USB inputs for possibly the only user base that owns no USB devices. “And yes, Jimmy,” said Jobs, speaking very slowly to Jimson, who had then put the device down his pants to warm his genitals. “It has iTunes!”

Jobs, in an attempt at viral marketing, then clapped enthusiastically, attempting to get Jimmy to imitate his excitement.

Following the presentation, Jimmy was brought back home by Mills, who continued to extoll the virtues of the device for Jimmy. “I know Mr. Jobs talked about Jimmy doing his schoolwork on the thing, but we just put a few iPod games on it where all you really have to do is smack the screen every five seconds, and he’s loving it,” said Mills. “Add that to the fact that he can’t really put anything onto it without the iTunes Store, which we can use to put parental controls on everything, and it’s the most foolproof thing I’ve ever seen.”

Added Mills, “I hate to phrase it so insensitively, but there’s no doubt about it: This thing is for retards.”