Coulter Lecture Cancelled Due to Safety Concerns
Protestors Saved From Republican Pundit
By Keith Friedlander, Ottawa Bureau
Ms. Coulter Attends a Recent Speed-Dating Event
A public speech to be delivered by Ann Coulter at the University of Ottawa this past week was cancelled due to concerns for public safety. Coulter, who is known for her ultra-conservative views on Islam, Gay rights, feminism and witchcraft, drew a crowd of hundreds of students, many armed with catchy chants and protest signs that had been made during morning lectures.
The decision to cancel the lecture came when Coulter’s personal bodyguards, concerned by the crowded exits and screaming mobs of angry students, declared the situation to be a safety hazard. “Currently we have to take the safety of the crowd into consideration. Ann can sometimes become agitated and excitable when confronted by large numbers of screaming, multiethnic Liberals. In these kinds of scenarios it’s typically not a good idea to be locked in a room with her,” explained Marcus Browning, the head of Coulter’s security detail.
Another bodyguard, who requested to remain anonymous, expanded further. “One time, during a talk at Penn State, a professor asked a question about Israeli apartheid and she ripped out his larynx. We were up all night shoveling.”
Meanwhile, outside the lecture hall, the crowd of protestors celebrated the announcement of the cancellation, wholly oblivious to the danger they had narrowly avoided. Despite heated confrontations with a number of conservatives who had actually wanted to hear Coulter speak, the atmosphere remained positive. “We have slain the she-dragon of oppression, and freed our campus of her evil taint,” said a bleary-eyed student, completely ignorant of the fact that Coulter’s departure was responsible for the continued attachment of his dick, the consumption and digestion of which Coulter would have attributed to her God-fearing heterosexuality.
Questions of whether Coulter had violated Canadian free speech laws or if she were free to operate under the more liberal U.S. constitution were widely held to be irrelevant. “Technically, Ann is capable of a level of violence equivalent to the combined arms of our 17th Infantry – in a sense, anywhere she goes is the United States of America, by virtue of occupation alone,” said Dell Redman, a retired American military consultant. “So, to those Canadians who attend Ms. Coulter’s speeches, we hope you enjoy the 1st Amendment.”
Added Redman, “Of course, please remember that the infantry comparison is just a metaphor: Artillery only angers Ms. Coulter.”
Students, who had planned to lament the futility of their protest against Ms. Coulter by smoking ‘insane’ amounts of somewhat-decriminalized marijuana, then announced plans to celebrate their unexpected victory by doing precisely the same.
