Parliament Noir: Helena Guergis

Allegations of a secret ‘third party’ complaining to the PMO about MP Helena Guergis’ conduct surfaced today, with many speculating that the third party must be must be a political insider, despite the PMs insistence that it isn’t a member of government.

To uncover this web of intrigue and deceit, The Albatross presents the first in a totally fictional series: PARLIAMENT NOIR.

First of all, why the secrecy? Because the ‘third party’ accusing Guergis is none other than her husband, MP Rahim Jaffer. In spite of the fact that the allegations are being tied to his ongoing strip club patronage, Jaffer offered to rat on his own wife to Prime-Minister Stephen Harper in exchange for Harper’s willingness to take a meeting with Nazim Gillani; a meeting that, as we all know, was leaked to the press by Gillani himself.

Harper is disgusted with Jaffer’s willingness to betray his wife for a business deal, but he doesn’t realize that Gillani didn’t just ask Jaffer to get him the meeting – Gillani threatened to have his Toronto Argonauts hitman kill his beloved Helena if Jaffer didn’t get both the meeting and a guarantee that Harper would agree to funnel money to his consulting agency.

This was an assurance that Harper was willing to give, but obviously it would be in exchange for never naming Jaffer as the source of the dirt on Guergis, as this would only arouse suspicion that might lead to uncovering the corruption he was now willing to undertake in order to get rid of her.

His previous attempts to eliminate her, including an elaborate campaign to have Jaffer incur drug debts by attaching an RCMP detail to pursue him as soon as he had a trafficking amount of cocaine on him, forcing him to destroy it while being pursued, and consequently giving Guergis no choice but to pay back the dealers on Jaffer’s behalf by uncomfortably smuggling drugs in her rectum out of Charlottetown airport, with Harper hoping she would get caught either in the process or with a later police search at her house – a house that Harper had cleverly aligned as not technically being her property through a complex mortgaging technicality, and thus one in which she had no privacy rights – had failed.

And, because of Gillani’s threats, Jaffer is actually doing all this not to save his own skin, but to save Guergis from death by CFL, even if it means ending her career on Parliament Hill, and never revealing to her – because the world is cold enough, damnit – how close she came to being clipped over a few hundred grand for some bullshit windmills.

But the real mystery is this: What was the information that Jaffer had to give to Harper to ruin her, exactly?

Simple: Guergis is secretly a stripper, unrecognizable to the general public in the dark lights of the club, and only Jaffer knew it was her on that fateful night he was there with Gillani, recognizing the birthmark on her inner thigh – the one that only he, as her husband, would know about.

Or, if there are other guys, they weren’t there.

PARLIAMENT NOIR.