What We’ve Learned: Iceland

The eruption of the Eyjafjallajökull volcano in Iceland has produced many lessons for both Canadians and non-Canadians alike – in this article, The Albatross presents the top ten:

1. As initial reports of flight cancellations at London-Heathrow, Paris and other European airports began to come out following the volcano eruption, one thing became certain: Absolutely nobody cared if everybody in Iceland was dead.

2. The people of Newfoundland are unable to differentiate a rare meteorological phenomenon – one that they could not experience more than once every ten minutes – from volcanic ash.

3. The bad news is that there are a number of unscrupulous airlines; ones who secretly place their financial well-being above concerns of passenger and aircraft safety. The good news is that you will shortly be able to recognize these as, “The only airlines that are still in business.”

4. Given Iceland’s current state of financial collapse, it seems likely that they were trying to burn the country down for the insurance money.

5. Remember: The inhabitants of Iceland are the descendants of Viking sailors who refused to colonize any place unless it was a frozen, isolated shithole. Bad things can’t really happen to them without everyone being able to say that they kind of had it coming.

6. Many experts have noted that phenomena such as this eruption are an example of massive, natural disasters that could threaten all life on earth: Proving, with finality, that the end of the world will be really boring.

7. Much like what Canadian Juno nominees will begin producing in tandem if we can’t fly them out of St. John’s immediately, volcano eruptions are harmful, disgusting products of collaboration between forces whose powers stem only from a perverse entrenchment deep in the dirt-filled core of a flawed and depleted country, news of which is obligatorily pissed all over us by the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation.

8. Canada could have handled this transoceanic problem much more handily if it had applied to British Columbia, where a giant haze of smoke hanging over the province is a regular occurrence.

9. Although Newfoundland’s economy has been harmed by the damage done to airline income in the province, local sales of shuttle bus tickets to Europe, Asia and beyond are apparently through the roof.

10. For all of the damage this volcano eruption can potentially do to jet engines, at least we finally know why you can’t smoke on an airplane.