Oil Finally Harms Environment
In a completely unforeseeable circumstance, oil turns out to be pretty bad.
In the wake of a recent, massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, leaders and experts across the globe are concluding that the black, viscous substance may have finally, actually caused environmental harm. “Ordinarily, we would never think of our use of oil as being potentially hazardous to the ecosystem,” said zoologist Dr. John Stewardson, twirling his safari hat and sitting inside an enormous GM Hummer with the engine idling. “It seems we may have to finally consider the idea that oil can be harmful.”
“Numerous species of birds will be horribly murdered as a result of this spill,” said Melanie Paulson, a naturalist and outdoor adventure-seeker. “We never thought that oil could be responsible for this. We’re all used to certain technologies – like those plastic things that hold soda cans – causing inadvertent harm to wildlife, but oil? It’s devastating.”
An additional concern was for the human environment, where residential areas face the threat of property destruction and further danger to those without the resources to abandon their shoreline communities. “Oil was only meant to help others – never to exacerbate class inequality, or the horrible suffering of the poor,” said British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward, whose total compensation for effectively managing a largely exploited and endangered front-line labour force of tens of thousands was over 2 million Pounds Sterling in 2008.
Hayward also lashed out at the potential human flaws in events leading up to the spill, distancing his company from such failings. “We were gathering this oil for good reasons – we didn’t get into this business to develop a product or cause an event that eventually turns human laziness and short-sightedness into environmental devastation.”
U.S. President Barack Obama, speaking to a collection of delegates in Louisiana after arriving via his personal Boeing 747 jet, was concerned in his tone. Obama, who was the aircraft’s only passenger, was quick to condemn British Petroleum, despite Hayward’s defense. “Terrible damage has been caused by this incident, but at least it can teach us a lesson: We need to take our attitude of endlessly sucking oil from every orifice of the Earth and radically change it to one where we do exactly the same thing, except with more safety guidelines and stuff.”
Added Obama, “If oil is truly dangerous, our only option is to develop some kind of training video, or maybe just dam up parts of the Gulf near New Orleans to make getting to it easier – oil might be a problem, but hell: How dangerous could water be?”
