Toronto Waterfront Revitalization Kicks Off With Hobo Magnet
Citing a need to distance the Toronto Waterfront from its dingy, aesthetically-displeasing past, Mayor David Miller today announced the opening of an advanced, coin-operated, self-cleaning washroom facility at Queens Quay and Rees streets to which the homeless will be given free use via a token system.
“No longer will our waterfront be a sight of the worst designs of mankind,” said Miller, touting the ability of the facility to clean itself. “Given normal waste conditions, this bathroom is entirely self-cleaning. It would take a truly horrendous mess – say, from someone vomiting and shitting all over the place because they’re completely antisocial – to put this facility out of order. It will be a gleaming example of progress – and increased property values – for miles around.”
Added Miller, “Besides – people don’t typically devalue the things they pay for by ruining them. You’d have to be angry at society, a member of some pointless punk-related subculture, or just plain old mentally ill to even consider doing something like that.”
Security Officer Fred Taylor, who will be charged with responding to the washroom if patrons don’t have to leave after the maximum 20 minutes, was equally optimistic. “Sure, there’s a chance that some urchins will try to live in the bathroom, but I’m not too worried about it. If there’s one thing crazy homeless people are shy about doing, it’s arguing with rent-a-cops over bullshit. Don’t see it ever happening. Definitely can’t foresee any situation in which a little girl is at the waterfront with her family, knocks on the bathroom door, and is treated to a guy in rags on PCP screaming at her about the apocalypse.”
Added Taylor, “Of course, that assumes she can get to the head of the line, which won’t be easy with the massive congregation of vagrants that will rally there ten minutes after I chase them back under the Gardiner.”
Miller, outlining his further plans for beautifying the waterfront, including a cocaine soup kitchen, pitbull adoption facility and beard washing salon, was adamant that granting free tokens would not spur any illicit economic activity. “Is it possible that these street people will try to aggressively resell the tokens, harassing local residents and valuable tourists? I suppose it’s possible,” continued Miller, “But they’re only worth a quarter – what kind of person would possibly bestow such value on such a small amount of money? Not me.”
“We want to attract world-class people to Toronto,” said Miller. “So, if you’re reading about this in a newspaper you’re rolling up an eight ball up in, whether you be in Thunder Bay, Winnipeg, Calgary, The Downtown Eastside or Victoria, come on out to Toronto and help make our waterfront a wonderful place to be.”
“Everyone knows a cool neighbourhood in Toronto has tons of junkies, hookers, bums and squeegee kids,” said Dominic Rogers, a new media specialist, sculptor, and trust fund recipient. “Congratulations, Queens Quay – this summer, you’ve truly arrived.”
