Arts & Culture
If Only They Knew About My Micropenis
As an overnight pop music icon, I’ve had more than my fair share of awkward sexual propositions from teenage girls, their sisters, their middle-aged mothers, Tina Fey, ladies at the candle and card shoppe, members of celibate religious orders, and legions of screaming harpies that bear down on me from afar, burying each other... »
Guilty Party in Death of Corey Haim Arrested
With reports of an illegal prescription drug ring circling in connection with the death of former film star and Toronto native Corey Haim, authorities were pleased to announce today that the puppeteering mastermind of his death – fully in control of the narcotic distributors and Hollywood lifestyle already targeted – has been arrested. ... »
A Guide to Canada Writes 2010
Excited about the upcoming broadcast phenomenon that is Canada Writes 2010, presented by the CBC? Not really? Well, The Albatross has seen fit to abusively profile the shortlist of selected authors in spite of what you want or care about, because the selections are appalling, the show is publicly-funded, and our exclusion... »
St. Patrick’s Day Tips
As St. Patrick's Day approaches, people across the country are making plans to pull up to their local taverns and watering holes for a 'Taste of the Irish' - booze, basically. To help you get the most of this unforgettable day, The Albatross has a few tips... »
Elton John Helps Eminem Battle Drugs in Hallucinogenic Drug World
Noted entertainer and musical celebrity Elton John, who skyrocketed to worldwide fame after his harsh inclusion in Eminem's 2000 hit Stan, is reporting that he is assisting the Detroit rapper in his battle against drugs, with specific attention being paid to the sword-wielding Percocets, car-key studded suppositories and rivers of molten cough syrup that... »
Awful Holiday Parties Successful Thanks to Charitable Tie-Ins
Organizers of the annual HPV is Sexy Charity Ball, an event that would otherwise be dismissed as a tasteless, poorly-planned tramp swamp and frat-boy nightmare, was given the positive endorsement of respectable not-for-profit agencies, media outlets, and notable individuals thanks to its tacked-on, charitable guise of respectability. »
New “Kindle” Device Foresees Epic Future in Which There Are 1,500 Books
Following several years of delay - one in which as many as two books are thought to have been authored - the Amazon Kindle "e-Reader" was finally released in Canada this week, and has already made a considerable impact on the holiday shopping season thanks to its ease of use, wireless connectivity, and capacity... »
2009 Blonde Joke Remix: The Amazon Kindle
With the release of the Amazon Kindle in Canada, revisions and additions to a number of very important pop cultural discriminations are necessary. Therefore, The Albatross is pleased to present the following insightful answers to the question of "How can you tell if a blonde has been reading a Kindle?" »
Lazy Comedy Writers Mistaken For Champions of Social Justice
Comedy writers across the nation continue to be shocked at their public perception as ardent left-wingers, grassroots social justice activists and even hardcore communists as awards from a variety of human rights and charitable groups continue to pile up. “I’ve never so much as volunteered at a food bank,” said Political Chuckles... »
Heene Family Achieves Reality Show Dream
With camera crews fighting for coverage of the unexpected, villifying plot-twist that their son was never endangered in a balloon, and the near-certainty that further revelations of moral tension and criminal dramatic conflict are yet to come, the Heene family of Fort Collins, Colorado were pleased to announce today that their reality show dreams... »