Business
Toronto Waterfront Revitalization Kicks Off With Hobo Magnet
Citing a need to distance the Toronto Waterfront from its dingy, aesthetically-displeasing past, Mayor David Miller today announced the opening of an advanced, coin-operated, self-cleaning washroom facility at Queens Quay and Rees streets to which the homeless will be given free use via a token system. »
WIND Mobile Discovers: People Like Free Shit
By harnessing the power of social media and conversational marketing, cellphone upstart WIND Mobile has used the direct feedback of the internet to uncover shocking revelations about consumers, including their dislike of financial obligations, their disapproval of being exploited by powerful corporations, and enjoying an abundance of as much free shit as possible. »
Am I Alone in Fearing the Sabotage of the Homeless?
Jim Roundman is a noted business professional with a wide variety of strategic backgrounds. He will contribute regularly to The Albatross to bring light to some of the most burning issues affecting the sophisticated mercantile community. »
Blackberry Users Discover That Blackberry Is Also Telephone
Psychologically-dependent clients of Research in Motion's popular Blackberry device were dismayed to find their e-mail services interrupted on Tuesday for the second time in only two weeks, leading many Blackberry users to uncover a secret, real-time vocal communication protocol on their Blackberries known as a "Telephone." »
Everyone at Young Professionals Networking Event Looking For Job
Billed as "An opportunity to meet other young professionals, and make valuable job contacts," a recently held cocktail mixer for young graduates delivered on precisely half of that promise, as attendees came on their finest behaviours in the hope of meeting potential employers, but unfortunately met only each other. »
New “Kindle” Device Foresees Epic Future in Which There Are 1,500 Books
Following several years of delay - one in which as many as two books are thought to have been authored - the Amazon Kindle "e-Reader" was finally released in Canada this week, and has already made a considerable impact on the holiday shopping season thanks to its ease of use, wireless connectivity, and capacity... »
Online Holiday Shopping Makes Racism Easy, Convenient
This Christmas season, online shopping is liberating middle-class consumers across the nation in record-setting numbers from the tyranny of foreign, probably-immigrant sales representatives at major retail outlets. "Thanks to the internet, I can buy all of my presents from pictures of white people," said Katy Burch, a 48-year old homemaker from Calgary, AB. »
Exhausted Magazine Industry Begins Releasing Disinterest-Based Publications
Faced with declining circulation, competition from digital media, and an era in which people are increasingly defined by things they are venomously opposed to rather than in support of, the Canadian magazine industry has begun publishing titles based on dislike, fear and outright contempt for a wide variety of popular interests. »
Disgusting, Evil People Thank God; Did It All For Their Families
Craven, gutless, parasitic human beings today are reporting that the various, horrendous destructions they have wrought are to be considered morally sound by virtue of having reproduced, as well as their alliance with an imaginary star-man who, in his infinite potency and virtue, has seen fit to reward them both now and in the... »
Recession Over For People Who Weren’t Affected By It
Despite record high unemployment, expiring EI claims, and devastated personal credit and savings, the economy is well on the road to recovery according to those who are not and were probably never immediately harmed by the aforementioned. »