Canada
The History of Canada
Happy Canada Day, everyone! Please enjoy this video on the history of Canada by the Editor-in-Chief of The Albatross, years before The Albatross actually existed. Most of it still makes as much sense as it ever did. »
G20 Tourism Board Promotes “Toronto Without Torontonians” Campaign
As Torontonians prepare to abandon their homes in droves, hoping to avoid the inconvenience, disorder and unwashed anarchists of the upcoming G20 summit, the G20 Tourism Board has launched a massive advertising campaign aimed at encouraging tourists from elsewhere in Canada to visit the bright lights of the “Big Smoke” without any of the... »
Harper to Reveal Afghan Detainee Secret: Nobody Cares
In a move prompted by House Speaker Peter Milliken’s decision that the Conservative government must release uncensored documents regarding the mistreatment of Afghan detainees, Canadians are collectively bracing themselves for the shameful, unspoken and yet widely known secret about the issue: Nobody really gives a shit. “Afghanistan? Sure, right,” said Nancy Jackman, a retail... »
If Only They Knew About My Micropenis
As an overnight pop music icon, I’ve had more than my fair share of awkward sexual propositions from teenage girls, their sisters, their middle-aged mothers, Tina Fey, ladies at the candle and card shoppe, members of celibate religious orders, and legions of screaming harpies that bear down on me from afar, burying each other... »
Caveman-Robot War Continues in Earnest
The Overlords of Betelgeuse, galactic warmongers from a small world orbiting the distant red supergiant, reported to their superiors today that continued monitoring of what they refer to as the "Caveman-Robot" war revealed its certain, indefinite continuance, much to their delight and pleasure. »
Parliament Noir: Helena Guergis
Allegations of a secret third party complaining to the PMO about MP Helena Guergis' conduct surfaced today, with many speculating that the third party must be must be a political insider, despite the PMs insistence that it isn't a member of government. To uncover this web of intrigue and deceit, The Albatross presents the first... »
I Guess I’ll Just Have to Take All This Money for ‘Green Power’ to the Strip Club Myself
Just as I thought maybe I was on the verge of meeting some cool dudes to roll through some of my favourite poon-tang joints with, the media screws it all up for me. »
Coulter Lecture Cancelled Due to Safety Concerns
A public speech to be delivered by Ann Coulter at the University of Ottawa this past week was cancelled due to concerns for public safety. Coulter, who is known for her ultra-conservative views on Islam, Gay rights, feminism and witchcraft, drew a crowd of hundreds of students, many armed with catchy chants and protest... »
A Guide to Canada Writes 2010
Excited about the upcoming broadcast phenomenon that is Canada Writes 2010, presented by the CBC? Not really? Well, The Albatross has seen fit to abusively profile the shortlist of selected authors in spite of what you want or care about, because the selections are appalling, the show is publicly-funded, and our exclusion... »
St. Patrick’s Day Tips
As St. Patrick's Day approaches, people across the country are making plans to pull up to their local taverns and watering holes for a 'Taste of the Irish' - booze, basically. To help you get the most of this unforgettable day, The Albatross has a few tips... »