International
Oil Finally Harms Environment
In the wake of a recent, massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, leaders and experts across the globe are concluding that the black, viscous substance may have finally, actually caused environmental harm. “Ordinarily, we would never think of our use of oil as being potentially hazardous to the ecosystem,” said zoologist... »
Harper to Reveal Afghan Detainee Secret: Nobody Cares
In a move prompted by House Speaker Peter Milliken’s decision that the Conservative government must release uncensored documents regarding the mistreatment of Afghan detainees, Canadians are collectively bracing themselves for the shameful, unspoken and yet widely known secret about the issue: Nobody really gives a shit. “Afghanistan? Sure, right,” said Nancy Jackman, a retail... »
If Only They Knew About My Micropenis
As an overnight pop music icon, I’ve had more than my fair share of awkward sexual propositions from teenage girls, their sisters, their middle-aged mothers, Tina Fey, ladies at the candle and card shoppe, members of celibate religious orders, and legions of screaming harpies that bear down on me from afar, burying each other... »
What We’ve Learned: Iceland
The eruption of the Eyjafjallajökull volcano in Iceland has produced many lessons for both Canadians and our friends around the world - in this article, The Albatross presents the top ten. »
Caveman-Robot War Continues in Earnest
The Overlords of Betelgeuse, galactic warmongers from a small world orbiting the distant red supergiant, reported to their superiors today that continued monitoring of what they refer to as the "Caveman-Robot" war revealed its certain, indefinite continuance, much to their delight and pleasure. »
Coulter Lecture Cancelled Due to Safety Concerns
A public speech to be delivered by Ann Coulter at the University of Ottawa this past week was cancelled due to concerns for public safety. Coulter, who is known for her ultra-conservative views on Islam, Gay rights, feminism and witchcraft, drew a crowd of hundreds of students, many armed with catchy chants and protest... »
North Korea Declares Earth Hour Supremacy
Citing a “Full scale readiness in total supremacy for the preservation of the people,” the state-controlled Korean Central News Agency (KCNA) of North Korea is claiming their remote country to have bested all other nations on the planet in Earth Hour participation, providing satellite imagery showing electrical lighting to have already been completely turned... »
St. Patrick’s Day Tips
As St. Patrick's Day approaches, people across the country are making plans to pull up to their local taverns and watering holes for a 'Taste of the Irish' - booze, basically. To help you get the most of this unforgettable day, The Albatross has a few tips... »
U.S Men’s Hockey Team Newest Believers in Power of You, I
Though initially cynical of its melodramatic lyrics, melody, and instrumentation, inside sources are reporting that many members of the U.S. Men's Hockey Team have now become thoroughly convinced of the collective power of yourself, myself, the world, dreams, flying, and the lonely but determined heart that beats in the spirit of our proud nation... »
Concern Grows Over Unfairness to Women: In Hockey
Despite receiving their third successive gold medal at the Vancouver 2010 Winter Games, the Canadian Women’s Hockey Team has placed the entire sport under intense IOC scrutiny for its unjust lack of competitiveness, disproportionate reward system for undeserving participants, and the hopelessness of eventual equity regardless of efforts made by the fundamentally disadvantaged parties... »