Opinion
If Only They Knew About My Micropenis
As an overnight pop music icon, I’ve had more than my fair share of awkward sexual propositions from teenage girls, their sisters, their middle-aged mothers, Tina Fey, ladies at the candle and card shoppe, members of celibate religious orders, and legions of screaming harpies that bear down on me from afar, burying each other... »
I Can’t Believe You Think That Just Because it Actually Happened
As someone who has been in a few moderately difficult situations, but was otherwise born with remarkably good looks, blessed with well-connected professional advancement opportunities and a big heap of dumb fucking luck, I have both the total lack of insight and excess of confidence required to go around believing any stupid shit I... »
My Life Is Amazing Because I Like To Party So Much
My life is amazing because I like to party so much! When I'm with my girls, anything can happen - and it usually does! Burritos! Why are all the hottest guys the biggest assholes! At my job, that place would fall apart without me! »
Your Dream Phone is my Unending Nightmare
As a 43-year old sales representative for a major aluminum goods manufacturer, I am no stranger to receiving a wide variety of telephone calls, and am obligated to pick up on any inquiries that come my way. For the past 20 years, however, I have also gotten a large number of calls from... »
Sorry, But I Have To Go To Another Party That Someone Had to Invite Me To
A Holiday-themed house party? For all of us who work here, at Consolidated Plastics of Newmarket? What a remarkable opportunity, and one that I would ordinarily dive at like a piranha, as my lack of regular bathing makes social opportunities few and far between. As thankful as I am for the... »
Opinion: I’m Going To Get The Swine Flu Shot Right After You Do
For several weeks now, tinfoil hat conspiracy theorists have been making their usual noise about big pharma and government. These nutcases want us to believe that the H1N1 vaccine is dangerous and ineffective. This is complete nonsense, and it is time for people to stand up and show that they trust our... »
