Sports
U.S Men’s Hockey Team Newest Believers in Power of You, I
Though initially cynical of its melodramatic lyrics, melody, and instrumentation, inside sources are reporting that many members of the U.S. Men's Hockey Team have now become thoroughly convinced of the collective power of yourself, myself, the world, dreams, flying, and the lonely but determined heart that beats in the spirit of our proud nation... »
Concern Grows Over Unfairness to Women: In Hockey
Despite receiving their third successive gold medal at the Vancouver 2010 Winter Games, the Canadian Women’s Hockey Team has placed the entire sport under intense IOC scrutiny for its unjust lack of competitiveness, disproportionate reward system for undeserving participants, and the hopelessness of eventual equity regardless of efforts made by the fundamentally disadvantaged parties... »
COC Corrects Misheard Statement: Canadian Athletes “Low in Sodium.”
Following a stunning 5 – 3 Canadian loss to the United States in Olympic Men’s Hockey, as well as numerous other events in which heavily favoured Canadian athletes have failed to capture expected standings, the Canadian Olympic Committee has issued a correction to earlier statements and claims about our athletes, stating that their intent... »
Women’s Hockey Team Score Goal for Every Other Medal Canada is Going to Screw Up
Responding to critics who claim that their 18-0 victory was bullying and unsportsmanlike, supporters of the Canadian Women's Hockey Team have explained that their astonishing rout of Slovakia was merely an attempt to compensate in advance for the numerous other gold medals that Canada is likely to choke, screw and just plain get beaten... »
Gilbert Arenas Stages “Hilarious” Armed Robbery
Washington Wizards point guard Gilbert Arenas, who recently characterized his pulling of a firearm on teammate Javaris Crittenton over a gambling debt as a ‘joke’ on Twitter, has now struck again with his quirky, off-beat sense of humour, claiming that his armed robbery of a major city bank earlier this morning was simply a... »
Tiger Woods Affair Offers Conclusive Proof That Golf Is Boring
Given his beautiful wife, limitless fortune, healthy children, satisfactory house pets, extensive personal interests and immaculate physical health, experts today could reach no other conclusion about the motivation behind Tiger Woods’ speculated marital infidelity beyond the fact that golf is a tedious, tiresome snooze-fest; one that would drive any man into the thrill of... »
Lucky Young Leaf Fan Lives Out Leaf Fan Dream
Despite the unremarkable, typical outcome of tonight's Leafs / Islanders match at the Air Canada Centre, excitement ran high in Leafs Nation as John Tavares, a lifelong Toronto Maple Leafs fan, lived out the dream that all Toronto Maple Leaf fans share: Personally humiliating and destroying the Toronto Maple Leafs. »
Brock Lesnar Does Not Have AIDS
After being rushed to hospital following a collapse while on vacation in Canada, the mixed-martial arts community has quickly prioritized communications to the media about UFC superstar Brock Lesnar's ongoing, potentially life-threatening condition. "Let's be absolutely clear on this," said MMA promoter Erik Latson. "Brock Lesnar does not have AIDS. He... »
Source of Toronto Maple Leafs 2010 Strategy Revealed: “Blades of Steel”
With widespread confusion about the strategic direction of the winless Toronto Maple Leafs this season, amateur hockey theorists have concluded that present team tactics can only be stemming from one possible point of origin: Konami's 1988 NES video game Blades of Steel. »
Drug Fairness at the 2010 Winter Olympics: “All Athletes Must Be Equally High.”
In an effort to curtail the well-known performance-enhancing power of the drug, olympic supporters in Whistler, B.C. are calling for a new approach in ensuring that no athletes in the 2010 Winter Games are unfairly advantaged by the use of marijuana via a new Olympic policy: The mandatory, non-stop use of marijuana. »