Toronto
G20 Tourism Board Promotes “Toronto Without Torontonians” Campaign
As Torontonians prepare to abandon their homes in droves, hoping to avoid the inconvenience, disorder and unwashed anarchists of the upcoming G20 summit, the G20 Tourism Board has launched a massive advertising campaign aimed at encouraging tourists from elsewhere in Canada to visit the bright lights of the “Big Smoke” without any of the... »
Toronto Waterfront Revitalization Kicks Off With Hobo Magnet
Citing a need to distance the Toronto Waterfront from its dingy, aesthetically-displeasing past, Mayor David Miller today announced the opening of an advanced, coin-operated, self-cleaning washroom facility at Queens Quay and Rees streets to which the homeless will be given free use via a token system. »
Guilty Party in Death of Corey Haim Arrested
With reports of an illegal prescription drug ring circling in connection with the death of former film star and Toronto native Corey Haim, authorities were pleased to announce today that the puppeteering mastermind of his death – fully in control of the narcotic distributors and Hollywood lifestyle already targeted – has been arrested. ... »
Adam Giambrone: Not Gay
In a saga resplendent with the dick-brained, minor-celebrity-drunken decision making and virgin/whore dichotomies that are both historically and eternally characteristic of the heterosexual man, a mighty tide of relief washed over the Toronto mayoral campaign today as TTC chair and candidate Adam Giambrone proved, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that he is not... »
Am I Alone in Fearing the Sabotage of the Homeless?
Jim Roundman is a noted business professional with a wide variety of strategic backgrounds. He will contribute regularly to The Albatross to bring light to some of the most burning issues affecting the sophisticated mercantile community. »
Safety Tips For a New Years Eve on the Town
Heading out on NYE for a night on the town, thinking you'll have a wonderful time? You are very stupid. Perhaps what you require is a number of tips on how to at least mitigate the damage that will no doubt come as a result of such a terrible decision, an outcome... »
Airport Delays Reveal New Terrorist Strategy: Family Togetherness
Massive delays for air passengers in the wake of failed terrorist attacks have revealed Al Qaeda's latest strategy for terror: The forcible spending of time with relatives for a far greater stretch of the Holiday season than originally planned for, and under the duress of a hellish airport nightmare. »
HST Job Creation Benefit Negated As Everyone Now Requires Two Jobs
Despite Ontario Finance Minister Dwight Duncan’s statement that the new Ontario Harmonized Sales Tax (HST) will create hundreds of thousands of new jobs, independent financial analysts are also expecting that the HST, along with the economic conditions which shaped it, will also now require every employed person in the province to get a second... »
Lucky Young Leaf Fan Lives Out Leaf Fan Dream
Despite the unremarkable, typical outcome of tonight's Leafs / Islanders match at the Air Canada Centre, excitement ran high in Leafs Nation as John Tavares, a lifelong Toronto Maple Leafs fan, lived out the dream that all Toronto Maple Leaf fans share: Personally humiliating and destroying the Toronto Maple Leafs. »
Obama Considering Move to Extended Family Property in Bel Air
Beset by constant criticism from the right wing, considerable backlash to his health care policy proposals, and an increasingly dire situation in Afghanistan, U.S President Barack Obama announced plans today to seek temporary refuge at the home of a wealthy uncle in Bel Air, Los Angeles, California. »